A lot can happen in a month. You can’t be the person you were yesterday, last week, last month, or even last year. Growth literally is unavoidable.

Something happened to me in the past four weeks and it doesn’t happen often or in a long while for that matter. I have crossed paths with someone very special who I click with. Someone I really like. Someone who isn’t fragile or reactionary. Someone mature enough to understand the expression and not mistake it for criticism.

I am cautiously optimistic but my heart is overly romantic.

I recognize my blessing and I have no buts. There are a million things I can analyze and think about but the best feeling in the world is knowing that someone is thinking of you when they go to sleep and thinking about you when they wake up.

Let me start from the beginning.

At the end of January, I was feeling a little tired. I was tired of whining and of witnessing people whine. I was feeling quite upset with myself because I couldn’t shift away from my fears. Then I was heartsore because of all the sorrow in the world. Covid-19 was draining my soul. It still is. I felt tired because of my circumstance. I was tired of feeling tired and alone I was also preparing to run a half marathon.

My Pastor Andre started to preach about hope at the beginning of the year and eventually as the weeks started rolling into months, the message about hope progressed into a series. It got me thinking.

Five years ago when I got divorced. And I shouldn’t say divorced because legally I wasn’t married. When I split up with the man I saw myself spending the rest of my life with - I made a conscious decision to choose happiness over my pain. And it was my sister that kicked me back into reality when she told me to snap out of it and just focus on being happy.

Admittedly, I was sad. Very sad. Divorce is an excruciating pain similar to death and some days I would cry so much that I would lose my senses. Thinking back on them now makes me smile because the person I was then is not the person I am now.

I started praying and speaking to my future. Every day. I would speak to him at night. In the morning. In the toilet. In the coffee shop. I spoke to him like he lived and breathed and I remember whispering in the dark on a rainy day.

“Wait to love me just like I will wait to love you.”

Now you can judge me and call me a dreamer. I am. I won’t deny that. But what I’m not is a victim.

I downright refuse to be.

I refuse to be a victim of my circumstance. I refuse to be labelled a victim and I rebuke the notion that I am a victim of a predator who basically stole my time.

If I didn't go through that period, I would never have learned the true value of living. And just like my period. The bleeding really does come to an end. We go through a period where we bleed, cramp and collapse from horrendous pain. But in the end one day there's just no pain and no blood. It's the cycle of life, right?

The man I spent the next four years of my life with after my separation became my life’s biggest heartbreak. And he didn’t break my heart. I did.

I allowed myself to fall so completely in love with a human being. I allowed myself to lose complete control of my heart and my mind by placing my value in flesh. I will never do that again. It’s a hard lesson but I am firmly grounded in faith and can say no like a strict school teacher, tripping on coffee and chalk fumes.

Nothing and no one can make you feel valued and loved more than yourself. NO ONE!

Since my heartbreak and I stopped talking I have become a published author. Not once, but twice. Next week I will hold a book with my name on it. I’ve also broken through my fears and wrote about a period in my life that I’ve run away from my entire life. Being molested in my teenage years has changed my whole life and stole pieces of me that I thought I would never get back. I used to heave from vomit that never materialized when a similar incident of abuse happened during my campus days. I always thought that I was the problem. And I decided to become invisible. I lived this way for such a long time and I’m still shy, but I’m a brave, shy woman. I force myself to do things that scare me. I force myself to experience because my life is magical and I want to see and feel everything.

This past month. I took three weeks off from work. Two away from my blog and one to go completely silent. I whittled my interaction down to my running group, my neighbors, and my family.

I didn’t bath some days. Neither did I comb my hair for a week. I ate four pizzas, inhaled six burgers, and I meditated.

I’ve run, laughed at quirky episodes like The Big Bang Theory on days when I felt too relaxed to even brush my teeth. I’ve watched series after series. I’ve danced until my toenail broke. I isolated myself from the pandemic loud noise, lies, and the world. It was wonderful.

I loved spending time with myself and reading every day. I baked cookies until my oven light cracked. I was happiest when I was creating something awesome in the kitchen. I flopped cakes, spilled icing on my carpet, watched Mexico shit on my carpet without rebuking her. Like a sleuth, I tried to track down the cat pissing on my door to no avail.

Some days I would lay on my balcony and watch the birds fly freely in the sky. I imagine life to be very much like that. Except my wings are my mind and my actions are the steering wheel in my own journey. I have all I need at the ends of my fingertips. And I could not feel any more relaxed than I am right now. And I’m hyper-aware of the fact that this feeling is not going to last.

Two weeks into my leave I swiped right on Bumble by complete mistake. The man I had matched with eventually turned out to be a 56-year-old gentleman. He was a cyclist and cute. That’s why I swiped right but I didn’t see his age initially. I wanted to kindly say sorry I’ve made a mistake and continue along with my search for a mate. But then we started speaking.

The first time I met him I scheduled another meeting right after that so he couldn’t linger. My first thought was that he wasn’t for me. I even tried to hook him up with a colleague at work in a similar age category thinking I’m doing good. But lo’ and behold. This bloke had already crept into my heart. Quite similar to Mexico the first day I saw her. Her eyes spoke to me. I loved his eyes from the very first time he looked at me. And I recognize that I felt insanely beautiful under that gaze. It scared me.

Shaun is a person with kind eyes.

For now, I am witnessing a man who has a heart that cares about what I think, and someone who doesn’t have serial-killer vibes. Whatever the hell a vibe describes.

He's quite wonderful. I’m not thinking too far ahead. I will worry about tomorrow when I wake up.

For now, I am going to choose to be happy.