1 year in Lockdown
Living as a single woman in lockdown has been brutally sobering.
Some days have been longer than others. Most days however have been beautiful. I can’t say that I’m crazy excited about all that’s happened this past year. But what I am most grateful for is how sensitive I've become to people around me.
Acknowledging kindness and growing in faith with people I choose to love has been my biggest blessing. And let me be honest, I turn my nose up at a lot of people who behave badly. I behave badly too. I’m judgmental. I am stubborn. I am head strong. I am flesh. I make tons of mistakes and I have many weak moments and make bad decisions about my life all the time. I am far from perfect. That’s me.
But I own my nonsense and apologize a lot for my bad behaviour. That’s what good people do.
Kindness is an ingredient of mine that I've been nurturing the most this past year. I've learned that it's easily reciprocated when I'm honest and vulnerable. The main ingredients of kindness are generosity, friendliness, and consideration.
I’m not sure about you, but if I consider how many times I've been treated kindly, it far outweighs the negative branches I choose to keep in my life by a long stretch.
Most often I get so easily touched by those who treat me badly that I fail to see the outpouring of love and kindness of so many others who feed my soul regularly. I'm talking about the ones who keep the light in you shining extraordinarily bright. The ones who make you smile without even trying. And it's all about perspective, right? If I imagine myself as a tree, the constant pruning eventually will help me to grow into something beautiful. And that's what I've been learning. I've been learning about myself the most, what I want and how to prune bad relationships out of my space like branches on a tree.
I often am reminding myself to keep seeing the positives in people and to let those who choose to mull in their own prejudice speak and not take it personally. It's a hard reality to digest because often I am paralysed by people's rudeness, their manners, and their reactions when they're around people they don't know. What I’ve learned is that I don’t need to be in their space. I choose to be in their space. So if I feel negative. That’s on me.
And I'm not here to bash anyone. I just want to gently remind you that kindness is everything. I'm still learning this and I'm not perfect - not by a long shot. I literally trip up on days when my hormones get the better of me.
This past year has taught me massive lessons but three stand out today.
Not everyone can give of themselves the way you want them to.
Not everyone is genuinely in love with you. Fakeness is real on so many levels.
Good connections are life.
Friends, the ones who love you unconditionally, are as rare as the winning Lotto numbers. Keep them close to your chest. Celebrate them. Shower them in joyful praise and spoil them every opportunity you get. With your time.
The ones that truly love you for you don't fall out of love with you because you act a bit crazy some days. Or if you're hangry. Or tired. Or not listening to them because you are exhausted. The ones who love you will embrace your madness and it's perfectly okay to relapse and throw tantrums around them when life leaves you a bit whiplashed. The ones who love you will understand.
Actively seek these folk out. They are everywhere. Thank them. They are in the unlikeliest of places and they will surprise you in your worst moment. They will rebuke, calm, understand and encourage you to the ends of this earth. Reciprocate that love.
Love.
Love people with large chunks of your heart but constantly remind yourself that you are the one person that deserves the most time and energy in this whole world. NO ONE else. Remind yourself daily that you're alive and that you have everything you need. Remind yourself constantly that there is nothing wrong with you. You are valued and you are loved.
And when someone doesn’t deserve you. Recognise it. Divorce them. Do it kindly. Run in the opposite direction no matter how much your heart pains. Trust me when I say this. They don't value or love you.
Love from a distance. It’s better for your peace.
I'm constantly learning and pulling myself sideways for people, men in particular, who don't deserve me. My therapist says I accept the bottom of the barrel men because I don't know any better. I initially disagreed, but then recently I conceded. She is right. When someone rejects me I feel worthless but I have been reminded of my value and what I mean to myself. Today, I see her. Today I'm hugging the inner child in me and whispering one thing in her ear.
I am enough. I'm too much.
If you are feeling low today. Remember my words. You deserve love. You deserve good friendships. You deserve to smile and feel safe in the presence of someone who doesn’t talk about you behind your back. And you will know when someone gossips about you by the way they speak about their friends.
Create spaces of peace for yourself, by yourself, and channel all your energy into growing yourself and coveting your uniqueness.
It will become your main source of energy. And who isn’t attracted to bright lights?
CS Lewis sums love up beautifully:
"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken. It will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."
