Lockdown: Day 341

Relationships are beautiful. They’re complex but they’re one of the most fragrant aspects of our lives.

And I’m not only talking about romantic relationships, I’m talking about relationships in general.

There are many, right? They fuel us, are fulfilling, some are euphoric, and let’s be honest - some can be downright exhausting.

These past two weeks I’ve experienced a bevy of emotions with a lot of meetings, love, connections, fleeting moments of deep pain, and a lot of successful steps in the right direction.

Romantically I have been pushing myself to step out of a mold that confines me mentally.

This womb of safety that I’ve created is much like a vault. Once I turn that key and am on the inside I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to give anything of myself to anyone. I basically go to battle with myself like a ninja warrior and dissect, repeat conversations, berate and lash myself for what I deem are my failures. Experts will call this post-traumatic stress disorder triggered by memories that catapult me back into spaces of fear and anxiety.

This is my reality.

In these moments. I’m afraid of literally everything. I fear for my future, the person I am, and who I am to the people I love. I fear that I’m failing. I fear being loved, loving, and when the waves of pain come it feels like a giant boulder living in my chest. It’s a foreign feeling much like the one I have when I hear neighbors having sex. I feel nauseous.

Fear is not of God. I know this so when the waves start developing in my chest my coping mechanism is to count to 10 and to count back down to 1. I breathe and I repeat those steps until I calm down. I tend to look to the sky or the stars afterward and remind myself that I am one girl. One person in a universe of a billion, trillion, little lights. My shine and my purpose however are unique.

So is yours.

I have value and there is nothing that I cannot break through or attain if I operate with love and a lot of hope in my heart.

Two days ago I had a conversation with a young gentleman who recently broke up with his girlfriend. I think he is so brave. He revealed that he was seeing a therapist and a day later I was speaking to a colleague about suicide and depression.

I tried stabbing myself in the wrist a couple of times but I don’t think I really wanted to kill myself. What I wanted was help. The difference between a person wanting to commit suicide and someone with a functioning brain is a chemical reaction. I didn’t choose to die. My mind did.

I long to feel better and be better and stay this way for as long as I can.

I don’t have depression but what I do have is a fluctuating romance with PTSD. My anxiety is real. I can’t Christian that away like some people tell me I can. I have adopted, and am still learning how to live with my triggers in the most graceful way that I can.

Shaun dumped me last week Sunday. At first, I thought, ‘What a naai!’. I was hurt obviously. I mean, come on I think I’m pretty fun and unique.

So instead of accepting what he said, I decided to ask for another stab at a relationship I know I can grow in. Whether it works or not there’s an opportunity here that can teach me to be a better human being, lover, friend, confidant, and maybe someone’s wife one day. He may or may not be the one for me but wouldn’t it be nice if he was?

Communication, like chocolate and prayer, is a part of my DNA. I’m learning to be braver and like a flower blossom into something even more beautiful with - and I’m crossing my fingers, toes and all the hair on my body over here - someone by my side.

And I refuse to give up. I mean, unless he dumps me again. Sigh! In which case, I’ll vanish as quietly as ants do near ant-traps after a couple of days.

I am not a stingy giver of love but I’ve come to realise that I am quite a stingy lover. And that’s okay - for now. No one is having anal sex just yet.

Life coaches will tell you to scribe your boundaries and not to cross them until you are ready. I understand why.

Relationships - all of them - are wonderful. Just limitless energy that peaks and dips on any given day. How we react to these fluctuations is up to us. How we respond to others and their fluctuating energies is also up to us.

When friends ignore you. It’s not because they don’t love you. They are taking time for themselves and that’s perfectly okay. It’s okay to go quiet and offer up no explanation for that.

It’s also okay to be in a loving relationship and have things go pear-shaped every now and then. Eventually, you’ll find a rhythm. It’s always there. You just have to seek it out like food when you’re having a craving.

That phrase, 'you teach people how to treat you’, couldn’t be more true.

If someone doesn’t know how you like to be loved, teach them. And I’m not saying you should whip them into submission.

Subtly drizzle magic into their lives by sacrificing a little of what you find boring by being compassionate. Friendships work like this too. It’s a sea-saw of giving and take moments. The conversation is also like this. You talk, I talk, you talk, I talk… are you seeing where I’m going with this?

If there’s one thing I can inject into your mind today. It’s that the proof of someone’s value of you in their life is not in the pudding.

There is no pudding.

You have a soul and your spirit will guide you. You will know how someone makes you feel the moment you close your eyes and look to the sky. If it's anything negative. Don't run. Be brave enough to confront them.

PS. Mexico is still alive.

PS.S The anthology I contributed to, Homemade, is on sale for R200. Email me at reeshachibba@gmail.com for a copy. It’s a book about food, friendship and love.